Prayer Effect
by Eogrus
Summary: Abraham of Christ has one mission: to spread the Lord's word in an atheistic galaxy. Will he succeed?


Roger: Hi friends. This totally awesome dude called Carlos allowed me to use his account to post my holy masterpiece. I am a big fan of our lord Jesus Christ but I lack a proper account because I'm afraid the satanic Hollywood jewish moguls lead by Soros will kill me :(, so I prayed to have someone to help me disseminate my message. Thankfully, a kind soul answered :)

Jesus Christ: Amen to Roger and to Carlos, they shall both enter the kingdom of Heaven (Revelation 14:4)

Roger: Thank you Jesus. Anyways, here's the work! Hope you enjoy :)

Disclaimer: Mass Effect does not need a disclaimer because it is evil and Bioware is full of feminist liberals ho will DIE (Reveleation 2:20)

V qui sequuntur vana religio

Hi, my name is Abraham and I am a holy warrior of the christian faith. I volunteered to the Andromeda Initiative, a project seeking to colonize the Andromeda Galaxy (that is far away). This project is a holy chance for a new start, but unfortunately it was taken over by evil satanists and liberal globalists. So, it is my task to proselytize the one true word of the lord, a task that seems herculean at times since Christianity has been banned. I own the only copy of the holy Bible, which I kept zealously to my chest as I was launched into the void in a pod shaped like a Piscis.

I was kept alive thanks to my faith in Jesus, and I recited the holy Bible and memorized its every word, until I finally arrived to the Heleus Cluster. It was very beautiful, and I almost fell into the sin of adoration.

"Abraham, thou must not worship other gods before me" said Jesus' voice, "That includes this galaxy."

"I am sorry Jesus" I said faithfully, and I took out my whip and flagellated myself fifteen times.

Anyways, I landed on a brand new planet. It was very beautiful, like the Garden of Eden, but there was an evil bar full of outlaws and rogues. The holy venture of the Nexus had truly fallen into the cardinal sin, and I held the bile within to avoid throwing up. I did the cross sign and I held out my crucifix, and I entered the bar. It was a truly horrible place to behold, with many prostitutes degrading themselves and a bartender. Everyone looked at me, like the people of Sodom stared at the angels. (Genesis 19:5)

"Greetings" I said truthfully, but I admit I felt some fear in my righteous heart, "My name is Abraham of Christ. I have come here to share with you the word of our lord and savior Jesus Christ."

"What manner of angelry is this!?" said an evil and ugly asari (a race of highly satanic lesbo whores who want to use the women's bathroom) that looked like Fiona, "The Bible has been banned by Citadel law! Take this filth out, it violates freedom of religion laws!"

"We are not in Citadel space anymore" I said rightfully and right-wingerly, "This is a new galaxy with new laws, and your unjust satanic legislations cannot constraint the truth anymore!"

"Hahahaha, the truth!" mocked the asari cruelly and anti-Trump-ly (AN: she was Peebee), "Nothing in your pitiful human book is true! Our false goddess Athena has guided us and shown us the secrets of the universe!"

I was so angry that I could not help but pray and recite Psalm 73:27:

"For, lo, they that are far from thee shall perish: thou hast destroyed all them that go a whoring from thee." - Pslam 73:27

Suddenly, there was a dark cloud in the sky and a bolt of lightning struck the roof, making everyone gasp in fear and wonder. Then another one came and hit the devilful Peebee in her devilish asari horns. She screamed in horrific agony as her skin blackened and fell like crisp, as her flesh boiled and bubbled in bloody crimson and white exanguination, as her eyes burst in ichor showers and as her bones shattered in thunderous shards. Her bowels emptied as black poop was expelled from her bowels, as stenchful as faeces dried under the sun. I held me bile as best as I could and did not throw up, but it was hard as her flesh became filth and her filth became flesh.

It took four hours for Peebee to fully die, and not once did she renounce her whoreful ways. Finally, her body was so utterly ruined that she could not live anymore, and she finally perished, her soul to forever be raped in the Lake of Fire by the demons she so fellated with her words and sins. Her remnants (geddit) became as ash in the alien wind, returning to the dust from which God created man (Genesis 2:7).

"By the heavens, this is a sign!" said a krogan (a race of brutish but holy warriors), Drack, "Abraham of Christ, teach us of your holy Bible!"

"Yes, teach us" said a righteous turian (a race of more disciplined but unfortunately buddhist soldiers), Vetra.

And I taught them and they absorbed every word, knowing each verse to be the purest truth. And as the sun set on the distant horizon, I had gained the faith and devotion of an entire planet. Tears streamed down my holy eyes, my first missionary mission had bore most juicy fruits.

"We must share the word of Christ with the rest of the Heleus Cluster" said Liam, who had now renamed himself Carson of Christ and painted his hideous Cain-tainted skin white.

"Yes, we shall" I concluded to my new friends.

So we built a new spaceship, the Sahaqiel, shaped after the cherubs the Lord rides on (Psalm 18:10). We boarded on it, Vetra walking with her head hanging down (Lamentations 2:10). She was married, but her husband received a heavenly reward because he left her and her children (19:29).

"Abraham, there is a nother ship approaching!" said Cora of Christ. She had shaved her shameful hair (1 Corinthians 11:5-6) and married Kallo, who also left her and ascended to Heaven.

And indeed, another ship approached. It was a glorious ship, glowing with a heavenly light and shaped exactly like the Archangel Metatron. A holy hologram appeared, and on it was a wondrous figure with a halo like the angel of the Lord.

"Greetings" the angel said with a majestic voice, "I am the Archon, the leader of the kett, a group of angels sent by God to convert the Andromeda Galaxy. We have heard your heavenly deeds and how you converted an entire planet. You are truly blessed, Abraham of Christ."

I kneeled and prayed in solemn gratitude.

"As such" He continued with the sounds of dripping honey and milk from his voice, "We humbly request your aid."

"Why?" I asked in confusion. I immediately realized by insubordination and I cut my wrists, bleeding the sin away.

"An evil race of demons, the Angara, refuse the words of Christ. Worse, they mock us with false prophesies of reincarnation and a mortal soul. They help widows with children, which is FORBIDDEN!" (1 Timothy 5:4)

I was possessed by an intense desire to vomit, but I held it all in.

"As such, we need your holy faith to tame these beasts, and dash their infants against the rocks (Psalms 137:9)!" said the Cardinal, who was the Archon's only wife (Titus 1:6), but he left her.

"I humbly agree, your highness" I bowed and prayed.

The Archon's face grew angry.

"Foolish child, do not worship me!" his voice thundered, "It is against the true God's will!" (Deuteronomy 4:19)

"I'm sorry" I cried in shame, perforating my chest with a needle made of silver.

As I did, the Archon's face softened. He sent me the coordinates, and the Sahaqiel left for them, preparing ourselves to slaughter the Angara.

Roger: Was it good? Did I honor the Lord?

Jesus: Yes, bravo!

Roger: Thank you my lord god savior! I shall continue to spread my message, provided Carlos lets me!

Carlos: No.

Amen. 


End file.
